I Refuse to Fail!

I am so S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D!  And I think my body is showing it.  2 nights ago I had a check up and yesterday I was told I might have kidney stones... no one to blame for that but myself.  Will I always be like this when I try to achieve my goals?  Yes, yes, yes I am a perfectionist, I am Obsessive Compulsive, I am a control freak... I'd die if I fail... this is who I am and I take pleasure (I think) in stressing myself out knowing that in a not so very far away future I will get the result I expect.

As I write this, I really don't know what I want to say, expect that I do not want to fail in this project I am currently leading.  It's like a legacy I am leaving behind... and just like other great legacies, it is not one that you want dirt, blood, failure written all over it.  I feel helpless at the moment because I feel that I am at someone else's mercy -- people who are suppose to deliver are not giving their best, and all I can do is follow-up, push and sulk... I hate sulking, it's so childish and gives an impression that I can't get a grip of things.  What am I suppose to do?  I am very much trying to control myself, restraining myself from screaming at these people!  WHAT CAN'T YOU GUYS GET?!?!?  32 FREAKING DAYS TO GO and it's if you are walking on the moon... bouncing is more appropriate... i think.

*SIGH*

Why do good people die first?

Some people may find my reaction to the passing of Sec. Jesse robredo, O.A. (Over-acting) because I am not in anyway related to him... but I am a Filipino and he is one of my leaders.  A leader who should be THE example for all politicians out there and those aspiring to SERVE our country.  I am sad that this has to happen to a good person, a good leader.  But Jesse Robredo is not the end of the story, they still have to retrieve the bodies of the 2 pilots, which until this afternoon is still at 180 ft. underwater. 

Capt. Jessup Bahinting, one of the pilots, is himself a local hero, always lending a hand when needed without asking for anything in return.  I feel so sad as well that his company is getting scrutinized now for not inspecting the plane, thus the accident happened.  But the employees are saying the Captain inspected the plane himself.  It is an accident and I am sure he did not want it to happen to them.

I can't stop feeling sad about this tragedy, I wish they were able to survive.  I feel for their family and I am sure I will never understand what they are going through.  They will be in my prayers.  Their death has affected a lot of people and I think that answers my question, why do good people die first.  They die first because they have done what they have to do and their death is a reminder to each of us that we should do our part to make our country a better place to live in, that we can all do it!  Not the best answer, but it's something I want to hold on to and remember as I live my life in this country that I love.

I wish I can be more like them, selfless, true public servants.  I have always felt affected, sad and often end up crying when I hear/watch news about tragedies and disasters in our country.  But I do not go the extra mile.  Yes I donate, but is it enough?  I feel I should do more... I do not want to be a hero of some sort.  I just want to be able to make a difference.  I want to do something that matters.  I want to be like Jesse Robredo and Jessup Bahinting.  May they rest in peace.

What about Jesse Robredo?

When the news broke that DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo's plane crashed, I started paying more attention.  Yes because it's big news but also because everyone was all over it.  Makes you wonder why is it that people care this much?  The you read tweets that President Noynoy and a lot of the Cabinet members or Senators are actually on site to monitor the rescue.

Why?  What about him? He is the good guy.  If you read about Sec. Jesse Robredo you will see that he is one of those politicians who is good for our country.  He is one to be a role model.  I am not close to him, heck, I am not family or even his employee, but I am truly affected by this.  It pains me to see that it is taking long to find him.  I am actually hoping he is still alive and yes a castaway.  I'd rather he is stranded in an island than him being trapped in the plane 350 feet below the Masbate waters.  As Gov. Joey Salceda said in a Philippine Star article, "I asked every Albayano to pray for that miracle for Jesse and to storm the gates of Heaven so every angel would descend to protect him."

Let us all pray for him and the 2 Pilots still missing.

The Manila Legacy

I seriously want to like the Bourne Legacy... just because the chase scenes were shot here in the Philippines.  This is not a film review, it's an opinion from a proud Filipino.

When the movie started, I had high hopes.  I loved the Bourne series and this 4th installment was particularly special because Manila was featured in the film.  I was really excited to watch it, plus I like Jeremy Renner, Rachel Weisz and Edward Norton.  And so, when Dr. Marta Shearing (played by Rachel Weisz) mentioned Manila, Philippines, there were murmurs and gasps among the movie goers.  I was tearing up a bit because I will admit it, I am very proud of it.  So when the Manila scenes started my heart was pounding.  The good thing even is, the chase scenes were shot mostly in Manila.  Never mind the crazy electric wires and the not so glamorous houses shown... it actually added character to Manila... it was just amazing to know that we can shoot such scenes here in our country.  Then when the islands of El Nido was shown, I was even more excited.  It was breathtaking as expected.  Then, credits.

What the F$&%!!! was all I can think of.  What the hell happened??? That's it?  The Manila scenes I must say is the movie's climax, then it just ended like that.  Disappointing really.  I wanted more!  It seems like the story line was rushed.  Hay... I know Filipinos all over the world will still watch this film.  And yes I will encourage everyone to watch it.  But it was just missing something and I desperately want it to be my favorite movie... oh well...

The Rescuers

Habagat Rescuers risking their own lives to save others
Photos courtesy of Juice.PH

The last week was hell for a lot of Filipinos.  It seemed like the rain will never stop and more and more places were getting flooded.  For some of us, there was nothing we can do but pray, donate and watch in the news what's happening.  There was a point in time when I wanted to tweet about people who were so stubborn that's why they had to be rescued... but I didn't.  Sometimes you really have to put yourself in their place to understand why they did it.

What really caught my attention are the Rescuers.  They are the heroes for me.  Real heroes.  They have their own families but they risk their lives just to save others.  They thought of other people's safety before theirs.  That was their goal, to save as much people as possible no matter what.  I seriously cried every time there was a newscast about Rescuers saving kids, old people and even pets.  These people are so selfless.  And for what?  I truly believe they did it, they are doing it to serve their country men.  But what do they get in return?  I am sure they would want to have bigger compensation, but they still do it even if they don't.  They still save lives.  I feel for them and for their families.  They should be rewarded.  I am desperately thinking of what we can do for them... I wish I have a lot of money because I will really give them money, no matter how many they are.  I hope our Government sees this and realize that they should be compensated properly.

I salute them and they will always be in my prayers... Brave, Selfless, Heroes!

I don’t have a title because I am feeling whatever!!!

I want to write about what I’ve been feeling today, but I can’t really put a label on what it is.  For one I am irritated…the kind that turns into bitchiness.  I am sort of frustrated as well, because I can’t seem to get the results that I want from certain people – the way I want it. 

Anyway here goes… I am what you call an individual contributor.  If my Boss needs me to do something I deliver, and can proudly say, I do it well.  I’ve always seen myself as someone who can work with less supervision and I don’t wait for my Boss to tell me what to do or give me detailed instructions all the time.  I know when to ask for it and how to ask for it.  And so, things for me have changed.  I sort of have people reporting to me because of the role I have in this project.  In a way I manage them – what they do and their deliverables.  I also mentor them, on how to do things, how to deal with people the way our Boss expects us to.  I am not used to it and I even kinda refused to do it, but as my Boss said, I have to, because that is what I should be doing.  If I look at it on the other side, I am lucky… very lucky to be trained by my Boss this way.  I’ve been getting a lot of good feedback from within the team and from the Business Unit we are supporting.  So what’s the problem right?  I like to do things a certain way and I expect those around me to do it the way I expect it to be done.  I don’t really scream at them if I am not happy with the output, no, no, no… I just sometimes show an ounce of bitchiness to them.  I don’t embarrass them or anything like that, but I don’t let things pass and I make it a point they know.  And I think this is why I am feeling this way today…

I hate it when I already teach something and people forget… I hate it that people don’t have the sense of urgency… I hate it when people don’t answer e-mails promptly… I hate it when people don’t know how to relate to their audience during a presentation even if I already taught them how to… I hate it when activities are not done in an orderly fashion… I hate it when we, as a team, are cramming… I hate it when someone complains about small stuff, I wanna scream at them and say “hey don’t sweat the small stuff!”… I hate it when people only care about themselves and not think about what happens to others… I hate feeling this way, as if I don’t commit mistakes!!!

AAAARGH! What the @#$%&*!!!

What's underneath

Some women obsess about bags, some shoes, some make-up... but there's only a few i know who are obsessed with what's underneath our clothes. Or maybe we just don't talk about it like shoes or bags because it's a bit intimate. Well i am a member of that club. I am not into expensive brands, i want what makes me feel sexy.  There was one time when Mister V had a business trip outside of the Philippines and i asked him to buy me some undies. I knew it was gonna be on sale that's why i took the chance :-) and every time there is a chance i grab it... and he would always ask, "what is it about underwear, when nobody can see it?" Good question right? My answer is this... i don't need someone to see what's underneath for me to feel sexy. When i wear something hot, regardless if people see it or not, it makes me feel good! Call it obsession but it's true. What if you were forced to strip down and then you're wearing granny-panty? Wouldn't that be embarrassing? Hahaha! I know, i know it's over the top, but that's the truth for me. I love good, sexy underwear :-)

Messianic Complex

I seem to have it. A couple of minutes ago we passed by Pasay Road going to Edsa when we saw this cab driver talking to a traffic officer. I can see from the cab driver's face that he was pleading, asking the traffic officer if he could just let it go. My heart was crushed that very instant. Seriously. I wanted to go down the car and fix everything for the manong. It looked like no traffic violation was done, but don't know right? I wasn't really there when it happened. But maybe i just wish there was no violation because i know that the cab driver will lose a week's worth of earnings or even more. And where will he get the money to get back his license when he can barely reach the boundary? Then what will he bring home to his family? Where will he get the money for his kids' allowance? Will he resort to something desperate and illegal? It was a heartbreaking scene and i can't get over it! This is not the first time I've seen something like this and felt like helping the helpless, saving them from the unfortunate situation. This may sound really clueless, but why does it have to be like this? Why are there poor people? Why is it that even if people work hard, they still suffer? Can't they have a break?

I pray that one day when i wake up, the world will be free from poverty and suffering. I know that's far from happening, but i will continue to hope. And maybe next time i should really help instead of wishing i can help. I may not be able to save the world or even just our country, but i can do my own share and that's a start.

Love Thy Neighbor

In the Book of Leviticus 19:18 it says "Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD." But how can i love a pompous-ass neighbor like my brother's?

Yesterday our helper's daughter told my brother that the "Barangay" went to their house because something happened with their neighbor. My sister and i decided to come along worrying that this neighbor might take advantage of our brother. As soon as we get there, i saw this bald man and fat woman outside the corner house. Then after we parked i finally saw what the problem is. This stupid neighbor of theirs blocked the gutter so that the water coming from Carlo's house will not flow to their side. I was so pissed because it was stagnant and can cause dengue.  Zoe is just 6 months and if something happens to her because of that, i will sue! So i muttered these words and my brother and sister started taking pictures. Then the husband and wife approached us with very high voices. Then an arguement broke.

I have high respect for older people. Believe me. My parents brought me up that way. But if the supposedly old people who are role models act like assholes and bitches, then that's a different story. I could've approached this differently, talked to them with reason, but they've been very difficult from the start. They even told us "we want to antagonize them so they will do something about it." And this is coming from a Pastor! Shameful! Yes, i could've been more patient, i could've been more reasonable, but no. I choose not to be bullied by these hypocrites. We have rights as much as they do.

In the end my level-headed brother settled it. I am okay with what has happened. It is my brother who will be dealing with this neighbor anyway. I want to put this to rest. But never ever bully any of us again. I will fight back. God forgive me as i may break His commandment.

I Wanna Be Like Harry Houdini

I wanna be like Harry Houdini

And be the one to make the great escape

I wanna be where no one'll see me

You've gotta learn a lesson give and take

Lyrics from the song Arts in 'D' Minor/Harry Houdini released in 1989 by the Canadian synthpop band Kon Kan.  I was a Freshman in High School then when this song hit the radio and become sort of popular.  To me then, I loved this song because I used it as my "code" for my first High School crush, a senior.  That was 23 years ago.  Today, for me this has a whole new meaning.  It's not about crushes anymore, it's about me wanting to escape...

Harry Houdini is a very famous magician, known for his mind-boggling escapes, the Handcuff King.  How I wish I can do the great escape... But magic is just an illusion... unlike life, which is reality.  But what if you can escape life?  What if you can leave your current life and just go somewhere else where you can start anew?  What if... 

A lot of people think my life is perfect... such a cliche.  When I was younger, I am always on top of my game, a goody-two-shoes, an honor-roll student, a responsible eldest daughter.  Yup that's me.  You can say that until now I am still some of those, but you can add being a mother and a wife to that list.  Let's just say I am living the ideal life -- A woman in her 30's with a husband and daughter and a good job.  What more can I ask for huh?  This may come as a shock to those who know me, but the truth is I just want to escape from my life.  Don't get me wrong, I love my family very much, especially my daughter, but I am just tired.  Tired of all the drama... tired of proving myself to others, even to my love ones... tired of trying so hard to be nice even when I am not... tired of proving to anyone that I am not the bitch they think I am even if I just want to be a B-I-T-C-H.  I AM TIRED.  I just wanna wake up one day living a different life. 

Domestic Disturbance

I don't have super powers... I bleed, I get tired and I get emotional.  Maybe people think it's easy to be who I am. It's not!  I also get tired of being a daughter, an ate, a friend, a wife and even as a mom.  I cry all the time when i think or realize that i wasn't a good one.  But no matter how i try, most of the time i still feel unappreciated.  It hurts when i'm called masungit. And even though most of the time it's true, can't i be one with all the stressful things i go through?

For instance, when i go home from work, i picture myself just sitting on the sofa, watching whatever is on the TV and playing with Danielle.  But instead of that i usually end up cleaning the mess in our room. Why is it so hard to keep the room tidy, to keep things the way they should be???  I did not get married to clean up all the mess! And people wonder why i bitch about it? Go figure!

I work very hard, not only for myself, but for my family. I'd like to think that i am selfless and i will do everything I can to give back to my parents and support my own family. I just wish people will give me a break.  Nobody's perfect and i won't even dare to be one coz i can't.

Good Advertisement

Are you easily convinced by a very hot actor to buy the product he's endorsing?  Do you actually believe that a product works because your idol says so?

Recently, the Philippines' billboards are full of Hollywood actors and actresses. A place that was previously occupied by the likes of Dingdong Dantes, Richard Gutierrez, Piolo Pascual, Gerald Anderson, KC Concepcion and a lot more.  Brands like Bench, Kamiseta and Penshoppe are getting Hollywood stars as their endorsers.  So is it effective? Are their sales up because of it?

After learning that Ian Somerhalder of the Vampire Diaries arrived here in Manila i sort of wanted to pass by the nearest Penshoppe store to check out their clothes... I am not a huge fan, but it kinda made me interested... besides, the Penshoppe All Star campaign is hitting the right spot :-) So it seems this Hollywood thing is good advertisement.

Fat Bastard

I think I should start accepting the fact that I will never go back to my "normal" weight. My weight's been up-down, up-down for a couple of years now. But it's not as if my weight loss is significant... it's not. That's why it's frustrating to try and lose these damn fats! Why am I giving myself a hard time? Darn it! What can I do.. . I love food, I love to eat!!!

E-mail Overload

I am so f*ing pissed that every freakin moment of the day I have to clean my f*ing inbox!  What is the matter with these people???  It's actually what's the matter with this freakin job!!! Every time I open my Outlook my Inbox count is a glaring bold 2 digit number!!! What I do all day is answer all these g*d damn e-mails.  If this is how my job would be like, then might as well stay the hell home than waste gas going to the office.

I hate this!  I hate that it's 9:41 p.m. and I haven't read half of what I'm suppose to read.  And this is just e-mail... what about my actual work???

DARN IT!

Guilty Pleasure

Here I am sitting on our couch in front of my laptop, trying to work my ass off again this weekend, but at the same time watching The Voice.  I love, love, love reality TV Shows I must admit.  From the likes of The Voice, American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Top Chef, Project Runway and what the heck, Tough Love!  It's just yummy to watch these TV shows.  Although called reality TV shows, it just takes me out of reality into their world.  The drama, the "scripted" parts of it, and what can happen are so exciting to watch.  It's what makes my mights and weekends fun...

How about you, what's your guilty pleasure?

As if being chased by an askal

"Askal" as in asong kalye and not the Philippine Football team, ok.  Asong kalye or stray dogs are known for just roaming around the neighborhood, spreading rabies or scavenging for food. Since these are dogs that usually got out of their cages or their master's house, they're sort of crazy. If they see a stranger walking in the street, they usually run after them.  And when they chase you, it's as if you're an enemy. So one's normal reaction is to run away... as far as they can. This is how i feel right now. As if an askal is running after me. So much tasks so little time. And no matter how much resources you have, it doesn't matter, work just piles up.

I don't want to be running forever. I'd l loved to have an askal- free environment.

Monday Blues

Tell me why
I don't like Mondays
Tell me why
I don't like Mondays
Tell me why
I don't like Mondays
I want to shoot... ooh ooh ooh
The whole day down

Yep, Bob Geldof of the Boomtown Rats sure knows how I feel about Mondays. I am pretty sure there are others out there feeling the same way. What is it really about Mondays that makes me hate it so much? I've given up on analyzing why... i just prepare myself for the worst. But no matter how much I prepare for it, it's not enough. Boo!

Folding the Feeling

Every Friday, we bring our dirty clothes to my parent's house in Laguna. Since we live in a condo, it makes sense to have our clothes washed somewhere else. On the same weekend, somebody irons our clothes.  So Sunday night we pack our cleaned, ironed clothes.  Well, it's actually me... i fold all the clean clothes that we take back to our own home.
And so it's one of ` em Sundays, and i just finished folding and packing... i get tired of it, believe me, but there's something there that calms me. I don't know, maybe the act of folding a clean, good smelling piece of clothing represents something.  Maybe it's like packing all my troubles because it's the start of a new week. Or maybe the clean clothes represent my sanity and putting it in a bag means preserving it. Or it can just be simply a distraction. I don't know. I am not being melodramatic here, but doing it makes my Sundays complete.
It's therapy.

Weekend Disease

This is me working on a Sunday (well just taking a break before I dive into real work). 

So why do I do it?  My excuse is, I don't want to be swamped with work on weekdays.  Sounds pathetic huh?  It is, actually.  But this is how I've been surviving since the beginning of this project.  If I don't open my e-mails on a weekend or after office at home, the next day will be spent just lowering down the number of unread messages in my inbox.  It gets crazy... I get crazy!  So to manage the stress level, here I am in front of my laptop, working my butt off.