Frustranger

I've been in my new role for almost a month now, but seriously, it feels more than that. Since day 1 I feel tired everyday as my day ends. So much to straighten up. I wasn't sure what to do first, and I think I still don't know what. I hate making excuses and I don't like the idea that I've been ranting to my boss. I want results. I want to succeed! And I will, in due time.

For now I have to let out all the frustration and anger towards things that are basic and simple but people don't get.  But I too cannot afford to be the bitch that I can be because I believe I have the charm that can make people say yes. I'd like to believe I am and will forever be a people person. I'm not the bad guy... But I'm afraid I'm close to being one.

I feel like my head and chest are gonna explode. I want to scream. I want to keep quiet. I want to shake it off!

Evil Queen

nce upon a time there was a Queen named Libra. She is the first born of King Quiro and Queen Loumar of the Kingdom Crysandro.  She has a sister, Princess Eiris and a brother Prince Quarius.  She now lives in the Kingdom Caldenuare and married to its King, King Dracon.  They are blessed with a little princess called Jacqueline.  As a queen her responsibilities vary from taking care of the little princess, ensuring a good relationship to other kingdoms, to keeping the household in order while the King is busy running the entire kingdom and sometimes even to helping at her parents’ kingdom.

Queen Libra is very passionate at what she does and about the things and people she loves.  She makes sure everything is perfect, not only for herself but for everyone she cares about.  This is clearly shown on how she completes her tasks as a queen.  When a ball is thrown, she is very hands on from the planning, to decorations, to the actual event.  When servants clean the palace, change the curtains, beddings and the like, she makes sure everything is perfectly matched.  She even visits the kitchen to make sure nothing gets spoiled and everything is fresh before cooking or serving.  She is a hands-on queen and that makes her happy.  She feels that she is doing her duty as a queen and serving her King, her little princess and her own family more than usual.  Everything is going perfectly, or so she thought…

One day, there was a ball in her parents’ kingdom.  Queen Libra together with King Dracon and Princess Jacqueline went to Kingdom Crysando earlier than usual.  Queen Libra thought she could give extra hands in the preparation.  And so they went.  The queen was busy as usual with the preparation, while her King and siblings and little princess was somewhere in the palace.  She was taking the flower arrangements to the tables when she overheard people talking.

“Brother you have to be careful around her, she can bite your head off,” said the first voice with a big laugh.

“Tell me about it.  Everyday it’s the same, it’s like she is the king and I am the soldier. I am scared to death at times,” added the second voice. 

A female voice chimes in, “What about the time she got very demanding and ordered all of us to wash our hands again before eating dessert.  It’s like madness, I say!”

The conversation went on and on about this lady and how awful she is because she is so demanding, overly organized and unreasonably passionate about things that she does.  Even after the first voice spoke, Queen Libra already knew it was her they were talking about.  All of a sudden it’s as if Queen Libra cannot move.  She wanted to run away because she doesn’t know if she can take so much of what she is hearing, but her feet are planted because she felt she needed to know more…. Even though it breaks her heart.  When it was finally too much, she ran… she ran outside the palace, into the woods within the kingdom.  She ran and ran and ran while tears fall down her cheeks.  Almost blinded by her own tears, she stumbled and fell down deep in the forest.  All she can do was stay there and drown herself with her own tears.  Suddenly, forest animals started going towards her, as if comforting her hoping her sobbing would stop.  When she noticed this, she looked up and gave a faint smile.  She started talking to them.

“Thank you little friends and I apologize for disturbing you and your home,” Queen Libra said in between sobs.

She added, “I really don’t know what I’ll do.  It seems that my family, my own blood hates me.  What have I done wrong?”

“Is it bad that I am passionate about everything I do and that I just want things to be perfect?”  She looks at a squirrel as if it can really understand her.

“I feel so lost, I don’t know how to recover from this.  All along I thought everybody was happy about how I take care of them and how I help.  But I was wrong… all along they see me as evil and it breaks my heart,” then she started to cry some more.

“I think I will stay here for now, then runway to another kingdom where nobody knows me.  At least I can start over.  I might die though for leaving my dear Jacqueline behind.  She is my treasure, but if people think I am evil, then better be gone that teach her wrong ways,” Queen Libra stands up and started walking.

To where she is headed, nobody knew.  Will her family look for her? Likely.  Would she want to be found? Maybe.  But one thing is for sure, she needed to prove she is not evil, even if it means leaving everything she loves behind.

I Refuse to Fail!

I am so S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D!  And I think my body is showing it.  2 nights ago I had a check up and yesterday I was told I might have kidney stones... no one to blame for that but myself.  Will I always be like this when I try to achieve my goals?  Yes, yes, yes I am a perfectionist, I am Obsessive Compulsive, I am a control freak... I'd die if I fail... this is who I am and I take pleasure (I think) in stressing myself out knowing that in a not so very far away future I will get the result I expect.

As I write this, I really don't know what I want to say, expect that I do not want to fail in this project I am currently leading.  It's like a legacy I am leaving behind... and just like other great legacies, it is not one that you want dirt, blood, failure written all over it.  I feel helpless at the moment because I feel that I am at someone else's mercy -- people who are suppose to deliver are not giving their best, and all I can do is follow-up, push and sulk... I hate sulking, it's so childish and gives an impression that I can't get a grip of things.  What am I suppose to do?  I am very much trying to control myself, restraining myself from screaming at these people!  WHAT CAN'T YOU GUYS GET?!?!?  32 FREAKING DAYS TO GO and it's if you are walking on the moon... bouncing is more appropriate... i think.

*SIGH*

Why do good people die first?

Some people may find my reaction to the passing of Sec. Jesse robredo, O.A. (Over-acting) because I am not in anyway related to him... but I am a Filipino and he is one of my leaders.  A leader who should be THE example for all politicians out there and those aspiring to SERVE our country.  I am sad that this has to happen to a good person, a good leader.  But Jesse Robredo is not the end of the story, they still have to retrieve the bodies of the 2 pilots, which until this afternoon is still at 180 ft. underwater. 

Capt. Jessup Bahinting, one of the pilots, is himself a local hero, always lending a hand when needed without asking for anything in return.  I feel so sad as well that his company is getting scrutinized now for not inspecting the plane, thus the accident happened.  But the employees are saying the Captain inspected the plane himself.  It is an accident and I am sure he did not want it to happen to them.

I can't stop feeling sad about this tragedy, I wish they were able to survive.  I feel for their family and I am sure I will never understand what they are going through.  They will be in my prayers.  Their death has affected a lot of people and I think that answers my question, why do good people die first.  They die first because they have done what they have to do and their death is a reminder to each of us that we should do our part to make our country a better place to live in, that we can all do it!  Not the best answer, but it's something I want to hold on to and remember as I live my life in this country that I love.

I wish I can be more like them, selfless, true public servants.  I have always felt affected, sad and often end up crying when I hear/watch news about tragedies and disasters in our country.  But I do not go the extra mile.  Yes I donate, but is it enough?  I feel I should do more... I do not want to be a hero of some sort.  I just want to be able to make a difference.  I want to do something that matters.  I want to be like Jesse Robredo and Jessup Bahinting.  May they rest in peace.

The Manila Legacy

I seriously want to like the Bourne Legacy... just because the chase scenes were shot here in the Philippines.  This is not a film review, it's an opinion from a proud Filipino.

When the movie started, I had high hopes.  I loved the Bourne series and this 4th installment was particularly special because Manila was featured in the film.  I was really excited to watch it, plus I like Jeremy Renner, Rachel Weisz and Edward Norton.  And so, when Dr. Marta Shearing (played by Rachel Weisz) mentioned Manila, Philippines, there were murmurs and gasps among the movie goers.  I was tearing up a bit because I will admit it, I am very proud of it.  So when the Manila scenes started my heart was pounding.  The good thing even is, the chase scenes were shot mostly in Manila.  Never mind the crazy electric wires and the not so glamorous houses shown... it actually added character to Manila... it was just amazing to know that we can shoot such scenes here in our country.  Then when the islands of El Nido was shown, I was even more excited.  It was breathtaking as expected.  Then, credits.

What the F$&%!!! was all I can think of.  What the hell happened??? That's it?  The Manila scenes I must say is the movie's climax, then it just ended like that.  Disappointing really.  I wanted more!  It seems like the story line was rushed.  Hay... I know Filipinos all over the world will still watch this film.  And yes I will encourage everyone to watch it.  But it was just missing something and I desperately want it to be my favorite movie... oh well...

I don’t have a title because I am feeling whatever!!!

I want to write about what I’ve been feeling today, but I can’t really put a label on what it is.  For one I am irritated…the kind that turns into bitchiness.  I am sort of frustrated as well, because I can’t seem to get the results that I want from certain people – the way I want it. 

Anyway here goes… I am what you call an individual contributor.  If my Boss needs me to do something I deliver, and can proudly say, I do it well.  I’ve always seen myself as someone who can work with less supervision and I don’t wait for my Boss to tell me what to do or give me detailed instructions all the time.  I know when to ask for it and how to ask for it.  And so, things for me have changed.  I sort of have people reporting to me because of the role I have in this project.  In a way I manage them – what they do and their deliverables.  I also mentor them, on how to do things, how to deal with people the way our Boss expects us to.  I am not used to it and I even kinda refused to do it, but as my Boss said, I have to, because that is what I should be doing.  If I look at it on the other side, I am lucky… very lucky to be trained by my Boss this way.  I’ve been getting a lot of good feedback from within the team and from the Business Unit we are supporting.  So what’s the problem right?  I like to do things a certain way and I expect those around me to do it the way I expect it to be done.  I don’t really scream at them if I am not happy with the output, no, no, no… I just sometimes show an ounce of bitchiness to them.  I don’t embarrass them or anything like that, but I don’t let things pass and I make it a point they know.  And I think this is why I am feeling this way today…

I hate it when I already teach something and people forget… I hate it that people don’t have the sense of urgency… I hate it when people don’t answer e-mails promptly… I hate it when people don’t know how to relate to their audience during a presentation even if I already taught them how to… I hate it when activities are not done in an orderly fashion… I hate it when we, as a team, are cramming… I hate it when someone complains about small stuff, I wanna scream at them and say “hey don’t sweat the small stuff!”… I hate it when people only care about themselves and not think about what happens to others… I hate feeling this way, as if I don’t commit mistakes!!!

AAAARGH! What the @#$%&*!!!

Love Thy Neighbor

In the Book of Leviticus 19:18 it says "Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD." But how can i love a pompous-ass neighbor like my brother's?

Yesterday our helper's daughter told my brother that the "Barangay" went to their house because something happened with their neighbor. My sister and i decided to come along worrying that this neighbor might take advantage of our brother. As soon as we get there, i saw this bald man and fat woman outside the corner house. Then after we parked i finally saw what the problem is. This stupid neighbor of theirs blocked the gutter so that the water coming from Carlo's house will not flow to their side. I was so pissed because it was stagnant and can cause dengue.  Zoe is just 6 months and if something happens to her because of that, i will sue! So i muttered these words and my brother and sister started taking pictures. Then the husband and wife approached us with very high voices. Then an arguement broke.

I have high respect for older people. Believe me. My parents brought me up that way. But if the supposedly old people who are role models act like assholes and bitches, then that's a different story. I could've approached this differently, talked to them with reason, but they've been very difficult from the start. They even told us "we want to antagonize them so they will do something about it." And this is coming from a Pastor! Shameful! Yes, i could've been more patient, i could've been more reasonable, but no. I choose not to be bullied by these hypocrites. We have rights as much as they do.

In the end my level-headed brother settled it. I am okay with what has happened. It is my brother who will be dealing with this neighbor anyway. I want to put this to rest. But never ever bully any of us again. I will fight back. God forgive me as i may break His commandment.

Domestic Disturbance

I don't have super powers... I bleed, I get tired and I get emotional.  Maybe people think it's easy to be who I am. It's not!  I also get tired of being a daughter, an ate, a friend, a wife and even as a mom.  I cry all the time when i think or realize that i wasn't a good one.  But no matter how i try, most of the time i still feel unappreciated.  It hurts when i'm called masungit. And even though most of the time it's true, can't i be one with all the stressful things i go through?

For instance, when i go home from work, i picture myself just sitting on the sofa, watching whatever is on the TV and playing with Danielle.  But instead of that i usually end up cleaning the mess in our room. Why is it so hard to keep the room tidy, to keep things the way they should be???  I did not get married to clean up all the mess! And people wonder why i bitch about it? Go figure!

I work very hard, not only for myself, but for my family. I'd like to think that i am selfless and i will do everything I can to give back to my parents and support my own family. I just wish people will give me a break.  Nobody's perfect and i won't even dare to be one coz i can't.

Fat Bastard

I think I should start accepting the fact that I will never go back to my "normal" weight. My weight's been up-down, up-down for a couple of years now. But it's not as if my weight loss is significant... it's not. That's why it's frustrating to try and lose these damn fats! Why am I giving myself a hard time? Darn it! What can I do.. . I love food, I love to eat!!!

E-mail Overload

I am so f*ing pissed that every freakin moment of the day I have to clean my f*ing inbox!  What is the matter with these people???  It's actually what's the matter with this freakin job!!! Every time I open my Outlook my Inbox count is a glaring bold 2 digit number!!! What I do all day is answer all these g*d damn e-mails.  If this is how my job would be like, then might as well stay the hell home than waste gas going to the office.

I hate this!  I hate that it's 9:41 p.m. and I haven't read half of what I'm suppose to read.  And this is just e-mail... what about my actual work???

DARN IT!

Monday Blues

Tell me why
I don't like Mondays
Tell me why
I don't like Mondays
Tell me why
I don't like Mondays
I want to shoot... ooh ooh ooh
The whole day down

Yep, Bob Geldof of the Boomtown Rats sure knows how I feel about Mondays. I am pretty sure there are others out there feeling the same way. What is it really about Mondays that makes me hate it so much? I've given up on analyzing why... i just prepare myself for the worst. But no matter how much I prepare for it, it's not enough. Boo!

Weekend Disease

This is me working on a Sunday (well just taking a break before I dive into real work). 

So why do I do it?  My excuse is, I don't want to be swamped with work on weekdays.  Sounds pathetic huh?  It is, actually.  But this is how I've been surviving since the beginning of this project.  If I don't open my e-mails on a weekend or after office at home, the next day will be spent just lowering down the number of unread messages in my inbox.  It gets crazy... I get crazy!  So to manage the stress level, here I am in front of my laptop, working my butt off.